This is not a '28 things I've learned in 28 years', post.

A few days ago I turned 28. Ironically I learned a lot in the time it took me to turn 28 and then write this post (3 days). I have always loved my birthday, it never bothered me getting older - until my 27th birthday.
My 20's have been a rollercoaster (just like most people experience), yet the last few years have left me feeling quite empty, lost and even lonely. For me recently, birthdays have just felt like a lot of pressure to enjoy myself!

I am okay with aging and being 28. It is not the number itself, but the general maternal feeling of aging, (trust me, I know I am still a baby!) I just feel like it was just another day, I knew things could be worse on one hand, but on the other hand, I really just wanted to feel effortlessly renewed and happy to be alive for another year. I guess I had to be more nonchalant this year.

My brother who is 3 years my junior is getting married and I attended his engagement party the day after my 28th birthday. Yes, I felt the need to state that he is my younger brother as I am not yet married, but I grew up always wanting to marry and have children young - by young I mean around the age of 25... So already you may be able to get a sense of the type of 28-year-old I am and am trying to be = a grateful one. I don't want to be the resentful aunt who sees her nieces and nephews playing and only sees what wasn't...

But we are just talking about engagement here - not yet a wedding and no kids yet either, all of that is at least a year away and I think we all know how much really can change in a year!

I feel as though everyone is being respectful and sensitive of how I 'must' be feeling with my brother's engagement party and my birthday being on the same weekend (and I am so grateful for that, even when it oozes pity), it is a constant battle to demonstrate maturity and wisdom, because honestly? They don't know the half of it...

I am nostalgic and sentimental. I am deep and crave meaningful thoughts and interactions. For various reasons, I have changed in the last year. So much so, that I don't revel in those feelings like I used to. I am not proud of myself - this is coming from someone who always was happy, proud and working hard, just to be myself. I am so sentimental, I tend to get upset if I can't get a gift to someone on a special day. I can look at a photograph of an emotional memory, feel exactly how I felt in that moment and I thrive on what I learn from my strengths and mistakes.
To be honest - I haven't made memories in a very long time, at least not happy, passionate and sentimental ones. I am growing numb to that deep kindness and going out of my way for others - my theory is that I have been longing for far too long to have children...

Another notch on my years feels like I have been sitting in jail doing time.

This quote sums up how I feel
and want to change.

In my mind, I removed my birthday from the engagement party because I adore this union. I am so happy for my brother and in gaining a lovely sister-in-law. She is a gorgeous, genuine soul and I can't wait to get to know her (plus I am a bridesmaid... did I mention that??) and thoughts of myself were getting in the way! (That there, my friends, is the most complicated justification of these useless thoughts - EVER!)

In trying to turn this rant around and stop myself from getting more depressed - see my previous post. I am hoping that I can embrace being wholesome - for my own utter sake! (Although being a bridesmaid in 2021 will help, I can't rely on that as my only wholesome memory). I need to make memories, create and just try to feel again!

The most redeeming thing about my birthday was the joy I felt - rewatching Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia - Here We Go Again, uninterrupted! I was so worried that my boyfriend wouldn't enjoy the movies that I almost didn't suggest them when he asked me what I wanted to watch for my birthday! I blurted the titles out last minute and was genuinely shocked when he had no problem watching them (and ended up LOVING them). Now, ABBA is a whole new version of nostalgia for me - I grew up on ABBA songs and well, musicals are also a big part of me.
My boyfriend also surprised me with a cake. A birthday cake. I was genuinely surprised at receiving a cake for my birthday - also very grateful.
(Although others did try to make my day special - this felt forced and almost as though they should give me a shout out... out of (for lack of a better word) guilt!) I hate to be that person, but the engagement did take over my birthday in a way only I could understand.

The problem is, any memories I make now, feel forced.

Thank you for reading my conflicting thoughts...

KK

High standards

I got another one today. One of those emails that say: 'you aren't good enough.' Well they attempt to put it nicely, but that really is exactly what they mean.
By 'they' I don't mean bullies, teachers, politicians, doctors or even a potential boss - I am talking about someone that I have asked advice from.

Let me explain...

I am coming to the end of my current University degree and therefore asking career counsellors, lecturers and really anyone that I can, to lend some advice on what my next move should be. (I actually have some great ideas in my head, but I'm not telling anyone, especially going by the way my own academic institution views me...) and all I keep hearing is either 'you need high marks,' 'try to volunteer more,' 'you need to have a great resume' or 'you aren't based in this area, so you can't work there.'

Excuse me?

First of all, I need to point out that these 'advice givers' are well meaning, I mean, they took the time to respond to my messages and gave me answers to the questions that I'd asked, but not one person has said - 'there is always another way to get where you want to be.'

Now I really only expect generic advice from my academic institution, because if I have learnt anything about higher level tertiary education - it is certainly that 'grades matter.' This is fine, I don't expect them not to, but does anyone consider the alternatives, outside of grades?

- disabilities
- how well someone can physically do something (not just mentally)
- grief
- depression/anxiety
- distractions
- hard home life
- 'disadvantaged' living
- work/family/life [imbalance]
- rural living
- 'disadvantaged' upbringing
- LIFE...

The irony of these alternatives, is that there are postgraduate degrees that allow students with an undergraduate degree to learn to 'help' these 'disadvantaged' people, but to get into that course one needs very high grades.... "insert eye roll emoji."

I'm not angry. I'm really not. If anything I am determined. I have more than one of the above 'issues' in my life and, well so does every other human being. I don't blame people for praising the highly academic minded people, after all, they seem to have given up a lot to get where they are.

But I too have given up a lot to be where I am, I have also gained so much more than I thought I ever could. This leaves me to pity those that make these rules of needing to meet certain standards. I mean, I know the world is competitive and this somehow justifies needing standards to do certain things in life, but that's okay... I'll find another way around.

As the song goes,

I've always found my way somehow, by taking the long way...

The long way around - Dixie Chicks

Do I impress you?

I think I have said before, 'I am only me when I'm alone...' Well I thought about that, and it can be a strange concept. I always am who I am. Yes, I often change to fit the environment and try to hide things that - for lack of a better word - I am 'embarrassed' by. I obviously don't speak every thought out aloud and I behave differently around different people, but to get to know my true self I often think about my little bubble. As the saying goes:

Do I impress you?

If the world was blind, how many people would you impress?

Would you impress yourself?

I am talking about how one really is, who one wants and believes themselves to be.

I have my up and down days - just like everyone else. I feel very insecure some days and others I feel more confident, (usually it is somewhere in between...) but I think that it is just good to know yourself in a way that no one else would - don't compare yourself to others and when that mindset does start to blind you, I, myself, try to remember why I do the things I do and how much, deep down, I really do care what others think.

So 'do I impress you?' Is actually a rhetorical question. I just want to impress myself.

Let that sink in,

KK

A note on microaggressions - think of them like mosquito bites...

As explained in the video above, micro-aggression's are dismissals, insults, or similar 'aggression' directed at anyone - particularly in a racial sense, women, those of different abilities, religions and other marginalised social groups - such as disabilities and lower income earners. However, I think this theory applies to a lot more these days - a lot of things can be seen as offensive to the person receiving the comment.

Comments like:

"You get around well!" To someone in a wheelchair
"You don't look like you're in pain..." To someone with an 'invisible illness'
"I never notice you struggling..." To someone with a disability, eating disorder, etc.

- Are all little comments that we can put up with in moderation - besides, most of the time the people saying these comments mean well, but I think it is important for us all to understand that - like the video says - these comments can be like mozzie bites - one or two are fine, but constant bites, (comments) can get irritating quick!

It can be hard to see if a comment will effect someone, but keep it in mind,

KK

New year, new word.

Looking at the year ahead...

So in true 'New Years Resolution Style' I am getting around to doing the post I wanted to do in early Jan... in April, but better late than never!

If I talk in the present tense and look back at the start of the year - wow, my year has sucked so far! I mean it has definitely had its good parts, but overall, it was been a pretty ratty year for me. My mind has been all over the place... bleh.

But I have been thinking about the time I am using ( I would never say that I have wasted the time) and its been pretty hectic, so I have actually accomplished so much this year already, yet no where near what I thought I would have done..

Anyway, enough babbling. Here is the post I have wanted to write:

A fresh start - Unravelling the year ahead. 

This is my second year of doing this workbook of picking a word to live by for the year and it has really motivated me to get things done, this is the website: www.susannahconway.com and there is a lot of info on how to get started, but I have chosen for my word this year to be: SELF. 

Last year my word was Explore and boy did I do that! - I will post a review of all of that at some point...

But I really wanted to focus on Self this year because I am always doing things for others - so far I have failed dramatically at being self - aware, self - confident or any other self- related thing I was aiming for, because I think that a lot of things just fell in a heap and it has been hard to focus on me and easier to do things for others.

Is it okay for me to start fresh now? Well screw it, I'm going to, because every day is just another day and every minute is just a minute, we have to treasure them, but that doesn't mean we can't start fresh whenever we want!

KK

Happy freakin' new year

And the negativity begins....

I am honestly starting to believe that a new year means nothing in this (Australian, caucasian) society. We "celebrate" for one night by getting drunk and waking up the next morning with supposed resolutions, which seem to change within a week or so and then we complain about EVERYTHING!

I try to keep this blog positive and passionate, but this post is more freakin' pissed off and passionate.

It really got to me, that just about the first week into the new year, a lot of people in my life just started complaining about everything under the sun. Now this can't be everyone right? This can't be human nature, to be so negative all of the time, can it?


Well now it is late February and not much has changed.Since the start of the year I have refused to let a lot of negativity in, for the most part that has been fine, but I also haven't done a whole lot for myself yet either... So who is in the wrong here?

My word of the year is 'Self' - see the post 'my word of the year 2016' and in some respects I have been very slf inclined (in a good way) but not to the extent that I would like to.

*sigh*

Hopefully things get freakin' better,

KK

Pleasing everybody... at Christmas

Now, I'm not talking presents or food requirements, things that people want, no. I am talking about the selfish act that happens every year, the act of seeing the family.

Who's hosting this year?

Who's not coming so we can bitch about them?

Where are we having it this year?

Does it have to be Christmas day or can it be the weekend before?

Well I have to see other members of the family so I am seeing them separately to you....

Shall I go on? This is really ridiculous, I mean isn't Christmas about family, friends and giving? Well this isn't really giving. I would rather a loving family base than a thousand presents. All that really needs to be given is time. I wish everyone just stopped with the drama and did that.

Just a little rant....

KK