This is not a '28 things I've learned in 28 years', post.

A few days ago I turned 28. Ironically I learned a lot in the time it took me to turn 28 and then write this post (3 days). I have always loved my birthday, it never bothered me getting older - until my 27th birthday.
My 20's have been a rollercoaster (just like most people experience), yet the last few years have left me feeling quite empty, lost and even lonely. For me recently, birthdays have just felt like a lot of pressure to enjoy myself!

I am okay with aging and being 28. It is not the number itself, but the general maternal feeling of aging, (trust me, I know I am still a baby!) I just feel like it was just another day, I knew things could be worse on one hand, but on the other hand, I really just wanted to feel effortlessly renewed and happy to be alive for another year. I guess I had to be more nonchalant this year.

My brother who is 3 years my junior is getting married and I attended his engagement party the day after my 28th birthday. Yes, I felt the need to state that he is my younger brother as I am not yet married, but I grew up always wanting to marry and have children young - by young I mean around the age of 25... So already you may be able to get a sense of the type of 28-year-old I am and am trying to be = a grateful one. I don't want to be the resentful aunt who sees her nieces and nephews playing and only sees what wasn't...

But we are just talking about engagement here - not yet a wedding and no kids yet either, all of that is at least a year away and I think we all know how much really can change in a year!

I feel as though everyone is being respectful and sensitive of how I 'must' be feeling with my brother's engagement party and my birthday being on the same weekend (and I am so grateful for that, even when it oozes pity), it is a constant battle to demonstrate maturity and wisdom, because honestly? They don't know the half of it...

I am nostalgic and sentimental. I am deep and crave meaningful thoughts and interactions. For various reasons, I have changed in the last year. So much so, that I don't revel in those feelings like I used to. I am not proud of myself - this is coming from someone who always was happy, proud and working hard, just to be myself. I am so sentimental, I tend to get upset if I can't get a gift to someone on a special day. I can look at a photograph of an emotional memory, feel exactly how I felt in that moment and I thrive on what I learn from my strengths and mistakes.
To be honest - I haven't made memories in a very long time, at least not happy, passionate and sentimental ones. I am growing numb to that deep kindness and going out of my way for others - my theory is that I have been longing for far too long to have children...

Another notch on my years feels like I have been sitting in jail doing time.

This quote sums up how I feel
and want to change.

In my mind, I removed my birthday from the engagement party because I adore this union. I am so happy for my brother and in gaining a lovely sister-in-law. She is a gorgeous, genuine soul and I can't wait to get to know her (plus I am a bridesmaid... did I mention that??) and thoughts of myself were getting in the way! (That there, my friends, is the most complicated justification of these useless thoughts - EVER!)

In trying to turn this rant around and stop myself from getting more depressed - see my previous post. I am hoping that I can embrace being wholesome - for my own utter sake! (Although being a bridesmaid in 2021 will help, I can't rely on that as my only wholesome memory). I need to make memories, create and just try to feel again!

The most redeeming thing about my birthday was the joy I felt - rewatching Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia - Here We Go Again, uninterrupted! I was so worried that my boyfriend wouldn't enjoy the movies that I almost didn't suggest them when he asked me what I wanted to watch for my birthday! I blurted the titles out last minute and was genuinely shocked when he had no problem watching them (and ended up LOVING them). Now, ABBA is a whole new version of nostalgia for me - I grew up on ABBA songs and well, musicals are also a big part of me.
My boyfriend also surprised me with a cake. A birthday cake. I was genuinely surprised at receiving a cake for my birthday - also very grateful.
(Although others did try to make my day special - this felt forced and almost as though they should give me a shout out... out of (for lack of a better word) guilt!) I hate to be that person, but the engagement did take over my birthday in a way only I could understand.

The problem is, any memories I make now, feel forced.

Thank you for reading my conflicting thoughts...

KK