This is not a '28 things I've learned in 28 years', post.

A few days ago I turned 28. Ironically I learned a lot in the time it took me to turn 28 and then write this post (3 days). I have always loved my birthday, it never bothered me getting older - until my 27th birthday.
My 20's have been a rollercoaster (just like most people experience), yet the last few years have left me feeling quite empty, lost and even lonely. For me recently, birthdays have just felt like a lot of pressure to enjoy myself!

I am okay with aging and being 28. It is not the number itself, but the general maternal feeling of aging, (trust me, I know I am still a baby!) I just feel like it was just another day, I knew things could be worse on one hand, but on the other hand, I really just wanted to feel effortlessly renewed and happy to be alive for another year. I guess I had to be more nonchalant this year.

My brother who is 3 years my junior is getting married and I attended his engagement party the day after my 28th birthday. Yes, I felt the need to state that he is my younger brother as I am not yet married, but I grew up always wanting to marry and have children young - by young I mean around the age of 25... So already you may be able to get a sense of the type of 28-year-old I am and am trying to be = a grateful one. I don't want to be the resentful aunt who sees her nieces and nephews playing and only sees what wasn't...

But we are just talking about engagement here - not yet a wedding and no kids yet either, all of that is at least a year away and I think we all know how much really can change in a year!

I feel as though everyone is being respectful and sensitive of how I 'must' be feeling with my brother's engagement party and my birthday being on the same weekend (and I am so grateful for that, even when it oozes pity), it is a constant battle to demonstrate maturity and wisdom, because honestly? They don't know the half of it...

I am nostalgic and sentimental. I am deep and crave meaningful thoughts and interactions. For various reasons, I have changed in the last year. So much so, that I don't revel in those feelings like I used to. I am not proud of myself - this is coming from someone who always was happy, proud and working hard, just to be myself. I am so sentimental, I tend to get upset if I can't get a gift to someone on a special day. I can look at a photograph of an emotional memory, feel exactly how I felt in that moment and I thrive on what I learn from my strengths and mistakes.
To be honest - I haven't made memories in a very long time, at least not happy, passionate and sentimental ones. I am growing numb to that deep kindness and going out of my way for others - my theory is that I have been longing for far too long to have children...

Another notch on my years feels like I have been sitting in jail doing time.

This quote sums up how I feel
and want to change.

In my mind, I removed my birthday from the engagement party because I adore this union. I am so happy for my brother and in gaining a lovely sister-in-law. She is a gorgeous, genuine soul and I can't wait to get to know her (plus I am a bridesmaid... did I mention that??) and thoughts of myself were getting in the way! (That there, my friends, is the most complicated justification of these useless thoughts - EVER!)

In trying to turn this rant around and stop myself from getting more depressed - see my previous post. I am hoping that I can embrace being wholesome - for my own utter sake! (Although being a bridesmaid in 2021 will help, I can't rely on that as my only wholesome memory). I need to make memories, create and just try to feel again!

The most redeeming thing about my birthday was the joy I felt - rewatching Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia - Here We Go Again, uninterrupted! I was so worried that my boyfriend wouldn't enjoy the movies that I almost didn't suggest them when he asked me what I wanted to watch for my birthday! I blurted the titles out last minute and was genuinely shocked when he had no problem watching them (and ended up LOVING them). Now, ABBA is a whole new version of nostalgia for me - I grew up on ABBA songs and well, musicals are also a big part of me.
My boyfriend also surprised me with a cake. A birthday cake. I was genuinely surprised at receiving a cake for my birthday - also very grateful.
(Although others did try to make my day special - this felt forced and almost as though they should give me a shout out... out of (for lack of a better word) guilt!) I hate to be that person, but the engagement did take over my birthday in a way only I could understand.

The problem is, any memories I make now, feel forced.

Thank you for reading my conflicting thoughts...

KK

Waiting for the switch

I could probably give ten different quotes about never letting the spark/light/fire go out, but in the hopes of not using a cringy elemental quote or worse (unpopular opinion* - I am not the biggest Harry Potter fan) that quote Dumbledore says about remembering to switch on the light while hovering his hand over the candle....

My point among all of that unnecessary ranting, was, where has my passion gone? This blog is KK's passion after all (KK is me...) but honestly, I am struggling. I have had a really long, super-tough year, just last month I had two of my Uncle's pass away - I have such fond memories of them as a child and it was a very emotional week, I am still struggling. I had also just finished Uni, with killer assignments and exams...

My natural, tense position these days.

I won't focus on the negative, because I hate that. I just want to get back into writing. I am waiting for that switch - the switch that always lights up that spark of inspiration, which then turns into full-blown passion, ideas, and just basic happiness.

I can't seem to find that switch though.

There is no scientific or even spiritual study on this 'switch' I tend to have. All I know (in my sole observations on my sole self) is that I always, ALWAYS get my passion, spark and drive back after a lull, but this particular lull has been the longest I have ever had.

I am tired, tense, stuck and a little worried about the future. I hope this changes.

I know I will find that switch at some point. I cannot fathom life without my passion. I am just trying to please so many other people, as well as check on others grieving for my Uncle's and their own dire situations, among other life problems, that I know I have neglected myself.

What is that other cliche quote?

'You can't pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first.' - Unknown

Yes, I googled those exact words to get the wording right, but I did in fact already have the words right...

I really do know what I have to do to make things, even the slightest bit better, yet, well that switch really does help.

Boy, I really hope this makes sense,

KK

December reflections 2018

Well, my blogging has been in short supply during 2018, but we all have our down times. Seeing as I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to this year, I am going to look back and try to not only understand why but try to make better changes for 2019.

Therefore, rather than using my usual platform on Instagram to post the same prompts I do every year from Susannah Conway, I will post the prompts on my blog and write as much as I can! Praise to Susannah's website and Instagram as she is the only person who makes these beautiful prompts where I can actually relate, stop, think and process.

Generally, these prompts include a photo, so that is what I will do, but I want to put much more than that. Because I am an uncoordinated and slower typer on my phone, I am going to skip Instagram posts and write a proper, nice, long blog post which you will have the choice to read, not more spam for Instagram. (rhyme intended)

So stay tuned for the first few days and maybe you can join me in reflecting on your year!

KK

Motivation Monday: Start with a smile!

Mondays can be hard, but so can any day really. When things are extremely difficult though, it can be very taxing and insanely hard to face the day ahead. The best way I find to do this though is to just smile. You don't have to smile at anyone or even do it in the mirror. Just a little smile at one corner of the mouth can help.

I try to think about the fact that I actually woke up this morning, that I have arms and legs, etc. - The smallest things can help.

If simple gratitude doesn't work, try watching a funny video, have a list of things that make you smile or laugh or even think about someone farting - I don't know, something about farts is just so damn funny!

Whatever it is that makes you smile, its really about stopping and embracing the moment and there is certainly a lot of value in moments!

KK

Just laugh!

It is so easy to hold onto anger, frustration, resentment, grief or any other of those hard emotions. I say 'hard' because I really believe that you need to acknowledge them, not disown them. They can be 'hard' to face and deal with, but they usually make you stronger - if you let them...

If you do find it hard to cope with any feeling really, I find the best thing I can do is just laugh. Yeah I know, it sounds ridiculous right? Just hear me out.

Now, I totally understand how hard this can be, especially when you don't find everything funny, (like me...) but if you write a list of T.V shows or movies that make you laugh, jokes, funny stories, comments/funny memories with friends and family. Hey, even resort to cats, Weird Al Yankovic, (my personal favourite is Ebay) or people falling over on Youtube. Just work out what makes you laugh. Personally if I am really upset or even angry, I find the most joy in my animals - especially the antics my dogs get up to. If you don't have pets, go to a pet shop or (self promotion alert) watch my YouTube videos on my crazy dogs! animal montage video (I apologise for my terrible filming...)

When those feelings creep up, its important to get yourself out of it - 99% of the time, no one else will. Yes, it seems daunting that it is up to you to help yourself, but really, no one else can. Laughter really is the best medicine though and even if you don't realise it at the time, it can crack the hard feeling and if you continue to embrace it, even by just smiling and thinking about all that is still good in your life - its always there! Well it is a lot easier to be happy when you allow it, not force, allow. Life is hard, but never really as hard as you think.

Stay strong and laugh at yourself,
or me!

KK

Be the 'One that got away!'

I'm going to propose something impossible,

- envisage this.

Your partner or your crush, whom you are incredibly enamoured with, you have so many memories, so much in common, you have fun, laugh, feel comfortable with each other and there are endless possibilities. 

Then it ends, before it has begun...

When all is said and done in a relationship, it can be so hard to get back into life and focus on yourself, focus on the future, etc. But in retrospect, if I took it in my stride and just thought that the person who would have been my partner, missed out, I'd be okay with that. No self- pity parties and the usual break-up disasters, (or in a crushing case, wonder about what never happened...) If you turn it around and consider that 'it was never meant to be,' it really can help.

It all takes time of course, but as I have said so many times on this blog, you are the glow, the shine. You are awesome the way you are. You are the gold that makes life worth living, if someone didn't appreciate that, then they didn't get to experience your glow, you, however always will.

If you love yourself, you can love another. After a break up, it feels impossible to recover, be the pure, golden joy that you are and can spread to everyone in your life, but your glow or whatever you wish to call it never goes away, sometimes it becomes hidden when your mind is elsewhere, but when you glow, those who have wronged you miss out - so bring back the glow!

Be the beautiful you that got away, because you never want to escape yourself!

KK

The refresh

Things always get better. Its all about refreshing.

Whenever I have had a slump in life, (and I have had many) I find that I am better for it when I refresh my mind and make myself remember why I love the things I'm doing.

Now, I'm not talking anything huge or 'weird' like spa retreats, meditation, even travel or anything that comes to mind when I say 'refresh.'

Recently, I have felt up-in-the-air about my studies, blog and a few other things, so I thought about what I used to do to get myself motivated. I think it also helps, to come up with new, refreshing ways, to be inspired as well.

I used to do 'photo-shoots' with my friend (by 'photo-shoots' I mean taking photos outside with a cheap camera and ordering my friend around, certainly amateur stuff!) And the amount of fun we used to have, was just priceless, plus I got some great, genuine shots for my blog/memories. So I took to the park with my friends and did just that. I used my phone (I left my SD card at home, I bought the shell of the camera though...) and the shots came out really well. Once my friends got used to the idea of being more natural, everything just flowed. (So you'll be seeing some of those photo's soon!)

I also started writing with my personal projects again. I haven't had the inspiration to do this lately, so I let it go, put it low on my priority list and threw myself into study. I had forgotten this, but that was just what I needed for my inspiration to flow, letting go of overthinking.... I re-watched some great movies and downloaded some songs I used to listen to when I wrote and BAM, I could write with flow again!

Now with study... the hardest of all. I study science by the way, and it's not always easy. For me, it is very personal - how I get back into focus with this. If you want to know more about that side of me, head over to my other blog never doubt nature.

Some previous photo-shoots for fun!

Find what refreshes you and do it!

KK