This is not a '28 things I've learned in 28 years', post.

A few days ago I turned 28. Ironically I learned a lot in the time it took me to turn 28 and then write this post (3 days). I have always loved my birthday, it never bothered me getting older - until my 27th birthday.
My 20's have been a rollercoaster (just like most people experience), yet the last few years have left me feeling quite empty, lost and even lonely. For me recently, birthdays have just felt like a lot of pressure to enjoy myself!

I am okay with aging and being 28. It is not the number itself, but the general maternal feeling of aging, (trust me, I know I am still a baby!) I just feel like it was just another day, I knew things could be worse on one hand, but on the other hand, I really just wanted to feel effortlessly renewed and happy to be alive for another year. I guess I had to be more nonchalant this year.

My brother who is 3 years my junior is getting married and I attended his engagement party the day after my 28th birthday. Yes, I felt the need to state that he is my younger brother as I am not yet married, but I grew up always wanting to marry and have children young - by young I mean around the age of 25... So already you may be able to get a sense of the type of 28-year-old I am and am trying to be = a grateful one. I don't want to be the resentful aunt who sees her nieces and nephews playing and only sees what wasn't...

But we are just talking about engagement here - not yet a wedding and no kids yet either, all of that is at least a year away and I think we all know how much really can change in a year!

I feel as though everyone is being respectful and sensitive of how I 'must' be feeling with my brother's engagement party and my birthday being on the same weekend (and I am so grateful for that, even when it oozes pity), it is a constant battle to demonstrate maturity and wisdom, because honestly? They don't know the half of it...

I am nostalgic and sentimental. I am deep and crave meaningful thoughts and interactions. For various reasons, I have changed in the last year. So much so, that I don't revel in those feelings like I used to. I am not proud of myself - this is coming from someone who always was happy, proud and working hard, just to be myself. I am so sentimental, I tend to get upset if I can't get a gift to someone on a special day. I can look at a photograph of an emotional memory, feel exactly how I felt in that moment and I thrive on what I learn from my strengths and mistakes.
To be honest - I haven't made memories in a very long time, at least not happy, passionate and sentimental ones. I am growing numb to that deep kindness and going out of my way for others - my theory is that I have been longing for far too long to have children...

Another notch on my years feels like I have been sitting in jail doing time.

This quote sums up how I feel
and want to change.

In my mind, I removed my birthday from the engagement party because I adore this union. I am so happy for my brother and in gaining a lovely sister-in-law. She is a gorgeous, genuine soul and I can't wait to get to know her (plus I am a bridesmaid... did I mention that??) and thoughts of myself were getting in the way! (That there, my friends, is the most complicated justification of these useless thoughts - EVER!)

In trying to turn this rant around and stop myself from getting more depressed - see my previous post. I am hoping that I can embrace being wholesome - for my own utter sake! (Although being a bridesmaid in 2021 will help, I can't rely on that as my only wholesome memory). I need to make memories, create and just try to feel again!

The most redeeming thing about my birthday was the joy I felt - rewatching Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia - Here We Go Again, uninterrupted! I was so worried that my boyfriend wouldn't enjoy the movies that I almost didn't suggest them when he asked me what I wanted to watch for my birthday! I blurted the titles out last minute and was genuinely shocked when he had no problem watching them (and ended up LOVING them). Now, ABBA is a whole new version of nostalgia for me - I grew up on ABBA songs and well, musicals are also a big part of me.
My boyfriend also surprised me with a cake. A birthday cake. I was genuinely surprised at receiving a cake for my birthday - also very grateful.
(Although others did try to make my day special - this felt forced and almost as though they should give me a shout out... out of (for lack of a better word) guilt!) I hate to be that person, but the engagement did take over my birthday in a way only I could understand.

The problem is, any memories I make now, feel forced.

Thank you for reading my conflicting thoughts...

KK

December reflections 2018

Well, my blogging has been in short supply during 2018, but we all have our down times. Seeing as I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to this year, I am going to look back and try to not only understand why but try to make better changes for 2019.

Therefore, rather than using my usual platform on Instagram to post the same prompts I do every year from Susannah Conway, I will post the prompts on my blog and write as much as I can! Praise to Susannah's website and Instagram as she is the only person who makes these beautiful prompts where I can actually relate, stop, think and process.

Generally, these prompts include a photo, so that is what I will do, but I want to put much more than that. Because I am an uncoordinated and slower typer on my phone, I am going to skip Instagram posts and write a proper, nice, long blog post which you will have the choice to read, not more spam for Instagram. (rhyme intended)

So stay tuned for the first few days and maybe you can join me in reflecting on your year!

KK

Motivation Monday: Start with a smile!

Mondays can be hard, but so can any day really. When things are extremely difficult though, it can be very taxing and insanely hard to face the day ahead. The best way I find to do this though is to just smile. You don't have to smile at anyone or even do it in the mirror. Just a little smile at one corner of the mouth can help.

I try to think about the fact that I actually woke up this morning, that I have arms and legs, etc. - The smallest things can help.

If simple gratitude doesn't work, try watching a funny video, have a list of things that make you smile or laugh or even think about someone farting - I don't know, something about farts is just so damn funny!

Whatever it is that makes you smile, its really about stopping and embracing the moment and there is certainly a lot of value in moments!

KK

February Reflections 2017

I find that, in the second month of the year, all resolutions have, uh, 'gone to hell,' but people tend to still be hopeful of a great year - the time it takes for the Earth to orbit the sun. I ended up doing quite a lot, in what also happens to be the shortest month of the year... (I am hoping that these facts are known to everyone...)

In anticipation of uni starting, (in early March) I felt that this February was all about 'starting the year off right' and getting inspired!

Here are some of the things I got up to in Feb 2017!

Lululemon and Collective Hub's - Practice to Purpose

On this sunny day, I had breakfast in Melbourne at the smart artz gallery event hosted by my favourite magazine collective hub and the active wear brand, lululemon. The event: From Practice to Purpose showcased innovative speakers with the initiative to focus on vision and goals. My friend, Michelle and I drove to the city early and were served smoothies, smoothie bowls and fruit, salad, coffee and more delicious foods, while listening to the speakers and getting some great motivation to jump into goal setting with a worksheet and an A4 quote - "Ideas alone won't create a life you love, putting them into action will!"

Birthdays!

I celebrated my mum and my beautiful friends birthdays - shout out to mum, Sarah and Andrew!

Devil Cat

The family cat - Mickey, got into a lot of mischief - half killing some birds, lizards and anything he could catch. I had a great time putting animals out of their misery and then keeping this fur ball locked up...

The McClymonts!

I saw The McClymonts live! An amazing country band (that I have worshipped for many years) went on their 'Endless tour' and I was close to the stage, just in euphoria, listening to these energetic girls!

The opener, Demi Louise was just as brilliant and I bought her CD too, one song of which - I relate to a lot Taxi Driver, Here I am with her in the bottom left photo and my mum and I with The McClymonts at the top!

Autographs and smiles all around!

The local show.

It's tradition for my dad and I to go to our local Agricultural show (which is now more of a general carnival) and I went again this year. I spent half the day with my dad and the other half with my friend and her friend, Michelle and Donna. The thing I love about this tradition is the little things, the community atmosphere and the fun! I always go in the morning when the livestock are being showed and graded, because that is just so fascinating to me - especially the cattle! Later in the day I watched all of the local talent perform on the small stage, including my super talented friend - Sunny, with whom I then watched the closing fireworks with! It really was a magical day - with me really focusing on the good stuff!

And that pretty much sums up that amazing month!

KK

The refresh

Things always get better. Its all about refreshing.

Whenever I have had a slump in life, (and I have had many) I find that I am better for it when I refresh my mind and make myself remember why I love the things I'm doing.

Now, I'm not talking anything huge or 'weird' like spa retreats, meditation, even travel or anything that comes to mind when I say 'refresh.'

Recently, I have felt up-in-the-air about my studies, blog and a few other things, so I thought about what I used to do to get myself motivated. I think it also helps, to come up with new, refreshing ways, to be inspired as well.

I used to do 'photo-shoots' with my friend (by 'photo-shoots' I mean taking photos outside with a cheap camera and ordering my friend around, certainly amateur stuff!) And the amount of fun we used to have, was just priceless, plus I got some great, genuine shots for my blog/memories. So I took to the park with my friends and did just that. I used my phone (I left my SD card at home, I bought the shell of the camera though...) and the shots came out really well. Once my friends got used to the idea of being more natural, everything just flowed. (So you'll be seeing some of those photo's soon!)

I also started writing with my personal projects again. I haven't had the inspiration to do this lately, so I let it go, put it low on my priority list and threw myself into study. I had forgotten this, but that was just what I needed for my inspiration to flow, letting go of overthinking.... I re-watched some great movies and downloaded some songs I used to listen to when I wrote and BAM, I could write with flow again!

Now with study... the hardest of all. I study science by the way, and it's not always easy. For me, it is very personal - how I get back into focus with this. If you want to know more about that side of me, head over to my other blog never doubt nature.

Some previous photo-shoots for fun!

Find what refreshes you and do it!

KK