An Ode to the Struggle of a 7 Year Journey

Yesterday I completed my degree. Yes, that was a big sentence for me to write for many reasons. Not only did I finish my final exam with my head held high and with that itching uncertainty, pondering whether I achieved good enough marks, but the back-of-mind realisation of being done. Finished. It did not hit me until this morning, front of mind – I am done. No more prioritising study. No more exams and no more University. I have completed my Bachelor of Science, Majoring in Zoology. I can add it to my resume now. The realisation was bittersweet though, because as the feeling of finishing a degree is unbelievable on a number of levels, it was also beneficial to look back at the struggles, struggles which
took their toll, more than perhaps the degree was worth.

As it took the better part of 7 years to complete. Yes, 7 long years. I seemingly never had time on my side. Truthfully, time was always my friend. I studied for at least 2 out of three trimesters every year, travelled at least an hour to and from uni. Spent 2 years living in Geelong and studying at the Geelong campus, then transferred to Burwood and moved back home. I sliced a finger, twisted an ankle and had my appendix removed. I moved out of home again and in with my boyfriend, bird and gecko’s. I lost close family members and dogs, coping with immense grief. I gained and lost friendships. I did all of this alongside my neurological tremor – Myoclonic Dystonia – which I have had since I was a baby. I struggle with fine and gross motor skills and have a constant ‘jerk’, which makes me ‘jump’ involuntarily at loud noises, dropping something, pouring something or if someone taps me on the shoulder. Now, I completed a science degree – entailing pouring chemicals, pipetting chemicals and matter, handling matter appropriately, measuring very specific fluids, I sorted miniscule bacteria, fluids and matter under a microscope and macroscopic insects into species identified petri dishes, I was always dissecting animals from worms, to frogs, to assisting with biopsies on cats, dogs, birds and kangaroos. I measured and gave medicines for my work and study, did oral presentations and group work and struggled with stress, being diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Alongside studying, I went through the highs and lows of life. Not wanting to miss out on anything, I pushed myself to volunteer at wildlife shelters, educational wildlife services, countless pet shops, vet clinics, zoos, sanctuaries and wildlife parks, farms and for private collections. I also worked for Phillip Island Nature Parks and did pet sitting. I completed a certificate in ‘work in the animal care industry’, “Pet First Aid and CPR” and became a black belt in karate. I also performed in no less than three amateur theatre productions and began singing lessons.

I failed units, reattempted and failed again. I passed. I cried, lay in bed for days, nearly gave up, persisted, laughed, learnt and squealed with delight.

I must either be resilient, persistent and strong or stubborn and pigheaded. I had some help through the disability department on campus, but truthfully, they did more harm than good. I guess it is hard to help someone when neither party knows how.

I lost my paternal nana a few months before I started my degree, perhaps I did it for her, I know she would have been proud. I get my stubborn streak from her. I want to write a book and educate others on nature; I did my degree to educate myself in these things. Mostly though, I did my degree to achieve something, to put myself in a new world and achieve what I had always been told I could not do, but wholeheartedly wanted to. Now that I have, I cannot decide if I would do it all again, but I do know I am proud of myself and I proved them wrong.

Yes, it may seem like there were more lows than highs, but I am not a whinger, not one to complain and rant and hold grudges. I am not immune to letting my emotions get the better of me, that is just healthy - to have emotions, but overall, I have enjoyed these 7 years. I let myself breathe and be in the moment, I took in the sea air of Geelong and explored this new area far from my home in Gippsland. I enjoyed family time and I have my mum, stepdad, dad and boyfriend to thank for keeping me sane. I loved every single animal I worked with and I met some incredible humans along the way too. I discovered the world of academia and decided it is not for me, that the outdoors will always be where my heart belongs. My love for Australian wildlife grew stronger and ingrained with my love of science as well as the inexplicable things in life. I was a mere 20 when I started on this journey, and now, at 28, I feel at peace with a feeling of completion and achievement. Here is to the next 7 years!

KK

Why its important to have a passion (to me)

So it has been a while since I have posted on here, but I always come back - funny that. Covid-19 has been a whirlwind and yes, this devastating disease is a factor - but I am also studying full-time, so I am busy, so busy in fact, I would be isolating whether out of global necessity or not. 

I passed an exceedingly difficult test today. Although many say it, 'study is hard' – I struggle a lot. I struggle for reasons I simply cannot help, no I do not have a closed mindset, but I would rather not discuss my struggles now. This post is about passion – something which can be so ridiculously hard to come by when life is just difficult, frustrating, boring or even busy. I do not dwell on these things, but doesn’t everyone get carried away with daily activities and emotions? This, this right here and now is just sometimes what we must embrace – the moments – when you may have them, that make up why we are here and what we love to do! Perhaps ‘this’ will explain what I am struggling to say:

Life throws lemons at you, you bruise, they bruise - so you cannot make lemonade and you go looking for oranges instead. Those imperfections though, the odd bunch of stories, “really's?” and “why me's?” – one day, you might look back on them and think, “why didn’t I?” or “I am glad that happened” – it’s up to you!

I have learnt not to rely on others too much. If everyone knows everything about me, well I do not think this is possible, but if they did - I guess I would be disappointed. Disappointed in that, they can take everything away, dictate how I feel and even influence what I do and BELIEVE I am capable of. It sucks, but let me show you another song, one I feel just displays this so well:

"All my secrets with you."

I get it, you have a romantic partner or friend and they break your heart, I'm not saying don't tell anyone everything, I'm just saying - keep some things for yourself, know how to perk yourself up.

If you give all of yourself to someone or everyone, it doesn't even have to be someone close, perhaps a mentor, boss, co-worker, friend, parent, sibling, neighbour even, if you let them know everything (or most things) and rely on their response to anything you do, well, are you setting yourself up for pain?

I'm not talking break-ups or regrets, not really. I am talking about being yourself - to yourself. Proving that you can do something purely for you, not for others - your passion. If you can always revert back to your passion after living your everyday life - well to me, that can just be all of the self-care and inspiration I need to keep going, keep fighting!

Stay passionate!

KK

This is not a '28 things I've learned in 28 years', post.

A few days ago I turned 28. Ironically I learned a lot in the time it took me to turn 28 and then write this post (3 days). I have always loved my birthday, it never bothered me getting older - until my 27th birthday.
My 20's have been a rollercoaster (just like most people experience), yet the last few years have left me feeling quite empty, lost and even lonely. For me recently, birthdays have just felt like a lot of pressure to enjoy myself!

I am okay with aging and being 28. It is not the number itself, but the general maternal feeling of aging, (trust me, I know I am still a baby!) I just feel like it was just another day, I knew things could be worse on one hand, but on the other hand, I really just wanted to feel effortlessly renewed and happy to be alive for another year. I guess I had to be more nonchalant this year.

My brother who is 3 years my junior is getting married and I attended his engagement party the day after my 28th birthday. Yes, I felt the need to state that he is my younger brother as I am not yet married, but I grew up always wanting to marry and have children young - by young I mean around the age of 25... So already you may be able to get a sense of the type of 28-year-old I am and am trying to be = a grateful one. I don't want to be the resentful aunt who sees her nieces and nephews playing and only sees what wasn't...

But we are just talking about engagement here - not yet a wedding and no kids yet either, all of that is at least a year away and I think we all know how much really can change in a year!

I feel as though everyone is being respectful and sensitive of how I 'must' be feeling with my brother's engagement party and my birthday being on the same weekend (and I am so grateful for that, even when it oozes pity), it is a constant battle to demonstrate maturity and wisdom, because honestly? They don't know the half of it...

I am nostalgic and sentimental. I am deep and crave meaningful thoughts and interactions. For various reasons, I have changed in the last year. So much so, that I don't revel in those feelings like I used to. I am not proud of myself - this is coming from someone who always was happy, proud and working hard, just to be myself. I am so sentimental, I tend to get upset if I can't get a gift to someone on a special day. I can look at a photograph of an emotional memory, feel exactly how I felt in that moment and I thrive on what I learn from my strengths and mistakes.
To be honest - I haven't made memories in a very long time, at least not happy, passionate and sentimental ones. I am growing numb to that deep kindness and going out of my way for others - my theory is that I have been longing for far too long to have children...

Another notch on my years feels like I have been sitting in jail doing time.

This quote sums up how I feel
and want to change.

In my mind, I removed my birthday from the engagement party because I adore this union. I am so happy for my brother and in gaining a lovely sister-in-law. She is a gorgeous, genuine soul and I can't wait to get to know her (plus I am a bridesmaid... did I mention that??) and thoughts of myself were getting in the way! (That there, my friends, is the most complicated justification of these useless thoughts - EVER!)

In trying to turn this rant around and stop myself from getting more depressed - see my previous post. I am hoping that I can embrace being wholesome - for my own utter sake! (Although being a bridesmaid in 2021 will help, I can't rely on that as my only wholesome memory). I need to make memories, create and just try to feel again!

The most redeeming thing about my birthday was the joy I felt - rewatching Mamma Mia and Mamma Mia - Here We Go Again, uninterrupted! I was so worried that my boyfriend wouldn't enjoy the movies that I almost didn't suggest them when he asked me what I wanted to watch for my birthday! I blurted the titles out last minute and was genuinely shocked when he had no problem watching them (and ended up LOVING them). Now, ABBA is a whole new version of nostalgia for me - I grew up on ABBA songs and well, musicals are also a big part of me.
My boyfriend also surprised me with a cake. A birthday cake. I was genuinely surprised at receiving a cake for my birthday - also very grateful.
(Although others did try to make my day special - this felt forced and almost as though they should give me a shout out... out of (for lack of a better word) guilt!) I hate to be that person, but the engagement did take over my birthday in a way only I could understand.

The problem is, any memories I make now, feel forced.

Thank you for reading my conflicting thoughts...

KK

My Word of the Year - Wholesome

Summing up 2019, with the attitude I want in 2020!

Wholesome - it is a word I hear every now and then, but probably not often enough these days. I was talking briefly to my lovely friend about this and she just tends to embody the word - she is wholesome. We agreed to bring it back!

I then knew I had chosen the right word for myself and perhaps my perspective of what the world needs. This is how I found my word: susannahconway.com/word/

Amongst the sense of impending doom - noticeably among city slickers (sorry, but city people, calm down...) apparently the world is ending with a flu-like virus, bushfires and absolutely no toilet paper in suburban stores - all of which is (unbelievably) happening, but please, there is also so much good in the world!

So my word for 2020 is Wholesome because I want to feel sentimental, warm and comfortable in the style of Hygge and have an 'everything will be okay' quality. I borrowed Disney plus from my to be sister-in-law and watched Winnie the Pooh in early January and realised Pooh is exactly who I want to embrace in 2020! He is the perfect attitude of wholesomeness and I love it.

I am a sentimental soul and as a child, I had the entire Winnie the Pooh gang as my imaginary friends - my mum tells me, that as a toddler, I wouldn't let her close the door behind me until I had my gumboots on and everyone including the ever slow Eeyore, was also out the door and ready to roam our backyard. I know this is true because I remember who I used to be and I boy, was I an adventurous kid!

I hate how far I have fallen from that being that kid.

I find myself now, at 27 going on 28 (in a matter of days), feeling incredibly sentimental for my old self. So from now on, I hope to be wholesome in my own definition of it - not only in appreciating the little things, but revelling in them, so that when I look back in 10 or so years from now - I will be proud of myself.

So what am I actively doing to live by my word?

• Pinterest! It is a gamechanger if you don't see it as social media. I use my Pinterest as a private oasis. A view into my mind and what truly makes me happy. Although a few of my boards are 'locked' I still have so much to share too. Feel free to check my boards out and re-pin: pinterest/laurenkk13/
• Writing letters and sending care packages. I have a few friends who live interstate or far enough away from me, to send them something. Although I have not yet done this, I have a pile of goodies I soon hope to send!
• Actually following my dreams!! - Yeah, if I haven't lost you know with the wholesomeness... of this post, you are probably my good friend! Basically, I have a room full of tools to help me achieve my dreams, but one of the best things I have bought myself and passed around this year - is a life-changing little journal called 'the life map' by the beautiful Youtuber Youtube.com/Muchelleb. Really you just need to get it or watch her videos to get my point of view on why this is wholesome: the-life-map
• Scrapbooking and journalling - Looking back on photos and decorating a page about one memory or getting all of my thoughts on paper about one moment, just feels like bliss for me.
• Re-watching movies I used to love! The list includes: Ten Inch Hero, The Outsiders, Stand-by Me, Anything Disney, The Longest Ride, The Best of Me, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, Mamma Mia and many more!
• Asking myself (within reason) 'What would 'such and such' do?' (and by 'such and such') I could mean anyone from Winnie the Pooh to my mum!
• Appreciate and revel in the goodness of the world, from the funny thing my brother said to the dish I ate and the smile a stranger gave!

I just want to check my thought often and try to skew them towards the positive, if they are becoming negative - I am not being wholesome enough! 

'Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind'
-Unknown

This is where I'm at now, where are you?

KK

What will 2020 bring?

It is already the 3rd of January in the new decade/new year and I am getting there. I am trying to be fair on myself and not put too much pressure on jumping into my writing. Yet, as I did not have the best of years in 2019, I also need to slap myself a little and get moving, gently.

So here it is - the first post for 2020, I hope I will post a whole lot more than my measly x3 posts in 2019, but no promises...

I guess I should tell you what is new?

• I am aiming to write my stories for just a small period of time per day. I am pleased to say - so far, so good! I have written/edited some parts of my novel for 20-30 each of these three days this year! It feels like an achievement to me anyway.
• I am choosing to feel happy. Yep, this is certainly easier said than done, but thinking of happiness as a choice is an interesting concept and I think it is really going to help me!
• I have chosen my word of the year - check out Susannah Conway - to be
  'Wholesome'and yes, I chose this word after watching Winnie The Pooh, Pooh's Grand Adventure - a childhood favourite of mine. I mean is there a better word to describe the crew of the Hundred Acre Wood than 'wholesome?' (If you have no idea who I am talking about, know that I am 27 years old and many of you under 20 may rightfully be lost to my 90's Disney reference...)
  Yet, I did not choose my word of the year, just for the joy of Pooh, but to be sentimental, healthy and passionate - all in a steady manner. It makes sense to me...

Well, that is just about all which is new right now, unfortunately.

Here's to 2020!

KK